The Internet and Alcoholics — What Could Go Wrong….?
“The Internet and Alcoholics — What Could Go Wrong….?!” That question was recently presented in a discussion group right here on ITR, and though I believe it was meant to be rhetorical, it reminded me that it was an issue I addressed early and earnestly in sobriety.
“Evidence of my alcohol thinking had always been less apparent, less obvious, less in plain sight, until the advent of the internet.”
Our program, in Step 10, reminds us that “Nothing pays of like restraint of pen and tongue.” But the internet — the hypocritical named “social” media in particular — actually encourages dropping that restraint altogether.
Evidence of my alcoholic drinking was everywhere in my past — plain as day to others, and eventually apparent to me once I stopped averting my eyes and/or lying to myself.
But evidence of my alcohol thinking had always been less apparent, less obvious, less in plain sight, until the advent of the internet, where my often intentionally (whether consciously or subconsciously) self-seeking, prideful, defensive, judgmental, aggressive, intolerant, divisive, condescending, hurtful and just flat out mean words where there in the screen for all to read and see and ultimately judge me by.
I was never a mean person (on purpose?), but I did suffer from smarter- or holier-than-thou syndrome. I was often in my nature to sit very tall on my “high horse”. And I repeatedly defended my judge-y behavior, because I did find “self-righteous anger also can be very enjoyable*”. (Hey, “righteous” has the word “right” in it, right? So it must be alright….)
But after doing a Step Four, and coming face-to-face with my seemingly endless list of specific character defects, I recognized and realized how many of them were turning up in my online internet discussions and conversations.
I saw, just as I had done in life — in relationships, with family, at work, among friends — I had been adding to the drama, the discord, the noise, and getting absolutely nothing out of it besides getting deeper into alcoholic thinking, and further from the spiritual gifts already proven to be available to me when I work the program.
(People often in AA groups, when there is discord, refer to the 12 Traditions as a guide for all to follow; I find that if I’m in a discordant environment, it is of much greater importance that I concentrate on the 12 Steps. When I (speaking only for myself) start quoting the Traditions, I’m sort of telling everyone else how to behave. When I just do my 12 Steps, I am working on myself, to be a better me, and consequentially, be a possible greater asset to the group.)
The 12 Steps of the program allow me the life-saving luxury of having to often be uncomfortable (or restless, irritable, discontent) and not go into defective — and ultimately destructive — behavior. I recognize my “isms” when they surface, and in being now ever more often self-aware of them, I know more often to pause, reflect, and ask my (ever-evolving, multi-faceted) HP for my next right — not righteous — step.
I am reminded by the problem that when I have a problem with a person or thing or situation, I have the problem. The problem is (within) me. I can do a 4th Step inventory (luckily I still have my original 4th Step workbook and by now almost know exactly what page to go to when I’m in “problem” mode), and surmise quickly and yet again that I am made uncomfortable because I am in ego, usually fear-based. Something or someone is challenging the way I prefer things to be or to go. I am not being selfless, think more about helping me than helping us or others.
And when others are in the exact same frame of mind that I’m in — thinking more of themselves and not about what I want — well, you can see how even the most initially civil of discourse can quickly devolve into an anger fest.
Which for me in sobriety, gives me the option of two “next right things” to do in a contentious situation: present my perspective in as most objective and respectful manner as possible, or, barring the ability or possibility of doing that, keep my trap shut so as to not add to the unpleasantries.
Our St. Francis prayer suggests that, “when there is discord, may I bring harmony.” I would have to be pretty darn vain to think that I could magically bring harmony to any discordant conversation — the chosen (and enabled) mode of communication in social media, on the internet, and apparently throughout all media — but I will try. Once or twice, but no more, as I often remember to apply the St. Francis prayer to myself. I need to be in harmony if I am to hope to help another human being, alcoholic or not, find harmony for themselves.
And as being alcoholics, we are, by near definition, folk who could hardly if at all handle being “uncomfortable” in our drinking (and even “dry”) days. It may have been the root of what made our lives unmanageable.
Asking our HP to “grant us that we may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted”, is asking him, really, to behave in a manner most unlike our history, but most in the way that will offer and bring us peace and serenity.
Of course, unlike dear Francis, we are not saints. But if I continue to vigilantly work the Steps in and throughout my life — or just my day — I can make “spiritual progress”. At least enough so that I can manage my life, which includes, for better or worse, the internet, more admirably.
The internet can show me where I still need to do some work. and the Steps continue to prove to be the best way for me to do that work.
*Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, Step 6, p.67